On a path of Self – Destruction and it has to end.

This is quite a personal post, actually it is a very personal post. Why on earth am I putting it on my blog? In the hope that it will give me a kick up the arse (my rather substantial arse) and get back on track!

I come across as a reasonably confident, pretty loud, “bubbly” person. I work hard, not just with my Business but as a Mother and a wife. My Children are my top priority of course with my Husband close on their heels. Then it’s the rest of my family, friends and my work. Along with the rest of the Motherhood, where do I put myself? A very lowly bottom of the pile. literally under the laundry basket!

I tell my Clients over and over again that it is necessary to look after themselves, but I am quite frankly not doing that at the moment!

On 4th October it will be 4 years since I had a small stroke at the age of 36. I was  overweight, had high blood pressure and had been through a very very stressful period in our lives.

Although the stroke has left no physical scars, except a terrible memory; emotionally and mentally it completely knocked me for six, along with my Husband and Children. I suffered with frightening panic attacks, mostly at night. I was terrified to even cry in case it triggered off another one. Hospital visits followed, MRI’s, CAT scans, blood tests, change of medication. All this medication that they wanted me on. Better blood pressure tablets, blood thinning tablets, cholesterol tablets. The list is endless. Everything I hate as an Holistic Therapist. Yet I wasn’t treating myself holistically before hand so why should I concern myself with shovelling tablets down my throat? The blood thinners made my asthma worse (I still believe that those particular tablets have irreversibly damaged my lungs). Because the breathing was hard, these triggered more panic attacks and OBVIOUSLY I was then having a heart attack!!

When I was stronger mentally, I  got my head around the weight loss. Lost two and a half stone,took up running and the reality of a black belt in Karate actually became a possibility rather than a dream.

However, despite what that Katie Hopkins says, losing weight is not easy, maintaining said weight loss is damn near impossible. At my lightest, I felt fab, I was not a size 10, a comfortable 12 but felt amazing. I was off the medication.  I was uber fit (love that uber word), thrived on the compliments, enjoyed the confidence, loved the clothes shopping.

Turning 40 was amazing. I had a massive get together at Center Parcs with family and friends and aimed to do 40 things in that year. Which I completed bar the half marathon in Stowmarket which I was due to do the weekend after I turned 40, 24th March 2013. Believe it or not, it was snowed off. All that training and no race at the end of it!

So! 18 months later and the weight has gone back on, the asthma isn’t great, the black belt remains elusive, the confidence has disappeared, the clothes are back to standard black, the hypochondria is starting to rear its ugly head, the insomnia leaves me lethargic and emotionally hungry. The excuses are in full flow! I can’t run because my back hurts, I cant run because my asthma is bad. I don’t have time to train at karate because I need to work and I also teach children karate so definitely don’t have time to actually train as well! Oliver was doing his GCSE’s so definitely couldn’t leave him in the evenings when he wanted help revising. He never asked for help so that was a pretty pathetic excuse. The only valid excuse was that I do an awful lot of evening work but I coped before! I was however,  training for the Great North run. I got a rare ballot place so although it would never have been a fast time, I wanted to give the training my all. I wanted to prove my place. I worked hard but seemed to be prone to colds and asthma. Getting a cold just before the big day, was, if I am being totally honest a relief. It took the pressure off. It was a fabulous weekend but two weeks on and I am still suffering. It took everything out of me.

The eating is and always will be an issue. It is in our genes. My maternal Grandmother had anorexia all her life, our Mother  was permanently on a diet. To this day I cannot tolerate cottage cheese. We ate everything on our plates, the plates got bigger, so did our meals. It is in our genes and now it is in my Childrens lives. I vowed I would never ever have an issue with food around my Children but that was unthinkable. I have been on a diet since I was 13 years old. Of course it will remain an issue.

I eat when I’m happy, sad,content, depressed, pleased with myself. Food is a reward or a consolation.

I refuse to eat “diet” food, aspartame (artificial sweetener is a killer), so the “bad” food that goes in my mouth contains sugar,white flour and butter – also a killer!! I have no idea why I am putting this out there, I am a Nutritionist! I just want to make it clear that we all have some sort of issues, addictions. For me to get that addicts high it just happens to be food. Not alcohol, cigarettes or drugs, just food. Even the people who come across as happy go lucky, seemingly have it all still struggle. They still need to ask for help but are probably less likely too because they are to busy helping others.

However!  My self destruct mode has to stop now. I need to take care of myself again. Clear up the aches and pains, ease the asthma, eat what I preach and train for that black belt!

So! The healing begins! More Reiki, more Massage, more Reflexology, more coconut oil, more meditation and mindfulness,  more self love and NO MORE EXCUSES!

Wish me luck!